so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
