All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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