got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
