If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he was CRYING into my vagina
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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