my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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