there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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