No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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