I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
