I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
