A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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