Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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