opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
