I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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