We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
