this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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