you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
