...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
