I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
