allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Drunk is a universal language darling
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
