Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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