Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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