I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
