I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i drank out of a bidet.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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