No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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