my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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