I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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