hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
two words...techno handjob
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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