Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He shit in the fireplace
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
