I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
