I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
