i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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