Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
