please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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