I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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