yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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