I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
