She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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