i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
