So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
