i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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