My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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