After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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