If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
