would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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