your thong is hanging out like whoa
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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