I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
