It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
