We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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