how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
