So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
