If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
