I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
