i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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