There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
