I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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