i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
