i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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