Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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