they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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