just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize