i jhust puked up my retainher.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
