How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
